One Simple Way to Know Someone is Bad For You
If You Can't Definitely Tell If They're Toxic
It’s important to give people chances, or so we think, but we confuse the issues. Forgiving someone because you’re showing the forbearance of Christ is not the same thing as welcoming them into your inner circle or trusting them with the sanctity that is you.
You can reach out to someone and offer them a life vest but not invite them into your cabin on the boat. It is possible to model the gospel for a person and to also care deeply for their eternal soul.
What we are talking about today is getting kicked around and allowing someone to stay in proximity so that they are able to continue getting away with growing mistreatment.
And yet, there is also the principle that we are able to shake the dust off our feet when someone will not receive us or our peace. These are very worthy things, and the Lord does not admonish us that we should beg and beg and beg.
Christ never did. Why do we?
We want profoundly for the person to get into heaven, but this is not the way. Earnestly entreating God in prayer for them and holding the line, if necessary, but from a distance can be the way. Even going to God about it from a distance can work miracles.
Some people are simply not safe to be around in closer proximity.
And so, we are not talking about ministering to the lost or discipling a wayward individual or any of those things. I am speaking of those we entrust to hold our lives with gentle care in a closer relationship than those on the periphery.
It’s time to address friends and those who would be more than friends. This can include business relationships and people we work with. Sometimes, we don’t have a choice in whether someone is near to us, but understanding who can peer into our hearts or be trusted with more is vital.
Can They Manage What You Give Them?
The principle of stewardship is found throughout the Bible from Joseph in Genesis down to the parables of Jesus.
It basically comes down to how you take care of things. We all know people who have too much and are juggling a million things they can nary keep track of. We know of those who are reckless with what God has given them, and it can seem unfair that we are struggling when others are overflowing and wasteful with their resources.
If we are believers, however, the adage still remains that we are accountable for whatever we are given. Some have two talents, others five, and some only one. Some turn five into ten, two into four, and one into absolutely nothing, burying it in the ground and failing to gain interest from the local bank.
We, ourselves, fall into the category of what is given.
And it’s tempting sometimes to put ourselves on the discount rack so that others may afford our company. We give a pass to the one who won’t text back, or we make excuses for the woman who is always rude to us.
We know we are being ignored, but we put up with it anyway in the name of being hard to offend or a cheerful giver.
We know others are talking behind our backs or are snippy to our faces or have some ulterior motive in dealing with us.
We hand pearls to pigs, because we think that’s what it means to be a good Christian.
Or, perhaps, because we do not want to face the truth.
Can the person or people around you treat you with the regard that is due to you? I am talking plain human kindness or respect or even acknowledgement that you exist. Giving to a person who can’t handle you is not loving or an example of Christian virtue.
It is a one-way ticket to a bad end with being trampled with the other pearls below the pig’s feet.
Pigs don’t appreciate anything, and they aren’t grateful when you break your back to give them more. Or when you open your wallet to extend to them a courtesy. Or if you smooth over their faux pas to make room for even more ill-intentioned “mistakes”.
If your friendship is a package wrapped up in bubble tape and sealed for delivery, they are the postman who kicks it. If it’s marked “handle with care”, and they throw it down a flight of stairs, they are not equipped for the job at hand.
They will bruise and do damage to whatever is handed them.
You need to determine if you’re at their level of competency.
And that is what so many of us are not doing.
I wrote a book called Red Flags and continue to inform people in all settings of the various ways in which wolves can be hiding among us as sheep. And while there are myriad indications that something is not as it seems, there is one overarching method that can act as a shortcut if you do not know all the nuances to how people are abused.
And that is this.
A person is bad for you when they are outmatched in their ability or willingness to take care of you. And I don’t mean monetarily. If they are unable to see the value in you and are careless with your heart, if they sabotage or are snide when opportunities in life come your way, or if they are hurtful when you are already hurting, think twice about it.
We think we do people a favor when we extend to them kindness that they do not return. We believe we are people of superior ilk when we consistently show up for the ones who let things slide for us.
We expend heartache and energy in ways that are not beneficial to us or to the recipient. And over time, this is deleterious to our health and wellbeing. It takes a toll in spiritual ways, physical manifestations, and in torn bonds with those around us. It can even make us cynical and jaded if our trust is wounded due to bad relations.
We are hoping they see things better. We desperately cling to the chance they may choose to do things right despite repeated failure to do so. We see the good inside them, the potential, that they, themselves, do not see. We want them to display their better angels rather than the things of the flesh.
The tastes of a pig, however, are for the mundane. They do not aspire to the higher things in life nor do they fail to take offense at the suggestion that they should do so. All the while you view them in beneficence, their growing resentment of you bubbles to the surface in cutting words or in a refusal to be there for you at your lowest.
They let you know they are the opposite of thankful and could slice you if given the chance. You don’t know where such anger is coming from; you have only ever been gracious toward them.
Swine will continue to gravitate toward low things, as they bathe in mud, although they will aspire to reach for higher ground. And in doing so, it is with reckless regard, so as to demonstrate their own power and might in bringing something admirable low and degrading it.
A pearl of iridescent sheen will be covered in mud when they are through.
They know nothing else. You will be trampled underfoot even if the process takes weeks, months, years, or even decades. The process may be slow, but make no mistake, you have entered the arena of the swine and not the other way around.
He does not desire to wear a pearl necklace for very long or pearl earrings or any other such accoutrement.
His impulse is to shatter and break, tear apart, and rend. And to let loose his rancor on an unwilling participant.
And it all starts with whether or not he or she can tend to what you are handing them. And that is the question you need to ask.
Your pig may be wearing a suit, he or she may look like a million dollars on the outside. He or she may elevate themselves to walk among superior company, giving the illusion that he or she is a man or a woman of distinction.
Yet, they can’t take care of what is given them.
The garden of friendship will be untended and overrun by weeds of resentment, greed, animosity, and vitriol. It is the difference between when, in the fictional Lion King movie, Mufasa ran the pride versus his brother Scar.
Some people cannot handle what you give to them. You think you do them a favor by continuing to grant access, but you do not. You think this is modeling forgiveness, but it is not. You may want deeply what is best for them, but you also want what is gratifying for you — as we all do.
But this isn’t it.
The church tells you to give more, submit harder, reasoning that if they have enough, they just might see reason. This isn’t true. They already have their hands full with more than what they can see to. Overflowing them with more good things doesn’t do the trick, it only feeds the fire.
You see, they aren’t glad they have access to you, they’re pissed that they are constantly reminded of their lower nature by virtue of your sheer existence. Their sphere is with the pigs, and they will not be elevated. You will be brought down; they will not be brought up. Simply because they refuse to and because they want to exert power and authority over someone else.
It hurts to see them living in squalor and filth, relationally speaking, and devoid of substantial and meaningful love. To see them shutting out the ones who would only do them good and treating them disdainfully. But, they are free to make their bed, and you have to let them.
You can’t figure out if you should stay or if you should go, but the one simple test is easy to put it all into perspective. Are they are a good steward of what you give them? And not your material possessions or houses or cars, but what really matters — you? Do they handle you with courtesy, with respect, in ways that upbuild you? Can they care for your confidences or do they destroy hidden things unseen that leave you reeling? Do they repeatedly let you know you are too good for them?
Are you just another pearl at the bottom of a pig stye?
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About the Author
Rosa A. Hopkins has hosted radio shows on 11 Christian stations, is a writer of gospel songs, has promoted Heartbeat legislation, and is a singer and songwriter. Her writings can also be found on her Facebook page. Join 30,000 other readers here.